Get Out Of Your Own Way - Tips on Becoming A Success
Get Out Of Your Own Way - Tips on Becoming A Success
Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Ever wonder why the all pervasive hot tips on becoming rich, successful and desirable never work for you? It may be because you don’t have the relationship with yourself that sets the stage for success. The most valuable tool you possess is the connection you have with your rational adult self, and that with your wishful, magical child self. When they work together the sky is the limit. When they each pretend the other doesn’t exist, you end up stuck and marking time. The example of Tracy below indicates how poor communication between the two selves limits her path to achieving her dreams.
Tracy longs to be acknowledged and looked up to for being an achiever. She wants to be desirable to men and have a relationship that she can rely on. She would like to get a college degree and earn lots of money. Whenever she finds someone who shows an interest in her, or an opportunity for a well paying challenging job she turns it into something distasteful. As soon as the possibility presents itself for her to get what she wants, she throws away the gift by not showing up, and disrespecting the gift givers. She kills off her desire the moment it becomes a real prospect, denying herself her dreams. She feels powerful when controlling her needs, but this is temporary. Very soon she is bemoaning her unsatisfactory life and envious of those who are successful.
It takes both the child’s excitement and zest for life to create wishes and visions for your life, and the adult to make it a reality. Both operate within you. Those like Tracy who self-sabotage, operate by splitting the child and adult parts into two warring camps. The adult conducts life in order to survive by achieving the basic minimum for that purpose - satisfactory interpersonal skills, high school diploma, and a respectable if mediocre job. The child is blind to the ways and means for success. For to be aware would mean taking responsibility and acting on it. That often stirs up the terror of having to go through life alone. The internal dialogue of the blind part goes something like this, “ if I can manage my life and take care of things, I will not need anyone, and therefore I will not have any excuse for seeking out attachments. I cannot survive alone, so it is better not to be grown up and responsible.’
Apparent advantages in keeping the adult and child part of you separate
* Killing off your desires means killing off yourself - so no need to make an effort
* You convince yourself that you are strong and need nothing and nobody
* You avoid the risks of attempting new things, failing and being disappointed
* You have someone else to blame when things go wrong
* You can legitimately ask to be taken care of in ways that work for you
Disadvantages of keeping the child and adult part of you separate
* You feel empty and unsatisfied
* You use temporary means to quell the emptiness like food, sex, substances, to no avail.
* You go through life blind to your own power
* You deprive yourself of what you most want, and feel a failure
* You are miserable, envious of others and angry when that child part of you isn’t taken care of.
* People don’t take care of you for very long, and you do end up alone
Tips on Becoming Your Own Success Story
* Begin a supportive dialogue between the child and adult parts of yourself
* Accept that you have both these parts, good and bad and that the sum of all the parts is the greatest, strongest and best hope you have for being successful.
* Give yourself permission to meet your own needs. If you take care of yourself, others will be attracted to you and be willing to partner with you in that process.
* Learn the art of asking for what you want, rather than expecting others to know and magically provide it for you.
* You are the author of your own biography. Begin to write it by relating to yourself as an ally and not an enemy from whom you need protection.
© Jeanette Raymond, Ph.D.
Ladies: Lose The Guilt!
It’s time we women said, “Enough guilt!” What exactly are
we trying to measure up to anyway?
This may come as news to you, but you will never get fully
caught up on everything. There will always be something more
to get done or something more you could do. Just look at
your kitchen and tell me you don’t know this already!
When is what you’ve done “enough”? How can you get past the
guilt that raises its ugly head? The answer lies in
discovering what you’re trying to prove.
* Proving Your Worth *
For many women, we are trying to prove our worth as a woman.
We’re trying to prove our worth to men, to employers, to our
children and even to other women who are caught in the same
vicious cycle.
It shouldn’t come as a surprise since we live in a world
known for oppressing women. In some ways, we have been
programmed to see our value based on our productivity. The
good thing is that this lie is beginning to have some
critical cracks, ensuring its destruction.
The sad thing is that we women haven’t quite believed the
truth about ourselves. When our self esteem is feeling a
little low, what do we do? We tend to try to prove our value
by what we do instead. Sound familiar?
The problem comes when we discover women are humans, like
everyone else. Humans simply aren’t perfect and we
definitely have limitations. What happens when we simply
can’t do all the jobs presented to us? What happens when
we’re spread too thin to do a great job in every area? You
guessed it…GUILT!
The other problem is the source of where we’re looking for
approval.
When we look outside of ourselves for our sense of value, we
give others permission to decide our worth for us. That’s a
scary place to put ourselves in!
* You Decide Your Value *
What if the person to whom you have to prove your worth is
actually you? You see your girlfriends as valuable so why
would your value be any different? When you choose to
believe you are good enough as you already are, guilt will
begin to lose its strangling grip.
You are a being of choice. As such, you are the one who
chooses your value. What price tag would you like to put on
yourself? As you go higher in value, the effect of guilt
lessens.
* Change Your Thinking *
You are a good enough, but you have to choose to believe it.
You are not a failure and you have incredible value. You
really have nothing to measure up to when you’ve recognized
your own unique worth.
How you feel is up to you. You choose what your thoughts are
and your thoughts affect your feelings. Guilt is simply just
another feeling. Therefore, it stands to reason that to lose
the guilt, you must change your thinking.
Guilt will drain you. On the flip side, positive thoughts
may energize you. Start by saying “NO!” to negative
thoughts. Replace them with positive ones. You’re smart,
you’ll figure out which positive ones have the greatest
effect on you.
* Begin with Decision *
Every action begins with decision. Decide what you need to
do to get inspired about your value. Do you need to remind
yourself you are beautiful and smart? Does doing something
else tell you you’re valuable? Then do it! Set the intention
to accept the truth: you have incredible worth and you have
nothing to prove.
Choose not to let your productivity determine your value and
toss that guilt off the side of a cliff!
Copyright 2007 Tami M. Szabo
You may use this article as long as you include the author
information with an active link on the internet.
Ladies, Break Free From Stress!
Negative stress is not your friend. It is your enemy. To
make friends with stress is to play with fire and know you
will end up getting burned.
The problem is so many of us women have allowed negative
stress to become familiar. We’ve forgotten how dangerous it
is and have simply accepted it as part of our lives. It’s
time for this toxic relationship to end!
Stress is simply veiled fear. Think about it for a moment.
The two go hand in hand. Stress is fear you won’t get
everything done; fear you won’t have enough; fear of
failure; fear of pain; fear of what others think; or fear
that you are simply not good enough.
Stress is your enemy, so do not welcome it. Fear becomes
alive when you give energy to it. It will rob you of
enjoying the precious moments of every day life. It can take
the pleasure out of your relationships. It will tire you out
and even steal your health. It is so powerful, it can even
kill you.
There are steps you can take towards ending your friendship
with stress:
* Step One: Recognize The Truth About Yourself *
A very important step is to recognize the truth about your
value and ability. I invite you to experiment with simply
“accepting” that your true self really is good enough. You
are beautiful, intelligent and capable of solving every
problem.
You were programmed to succeed and the ability to find the
right solution is already within you. Even if you require
outside help, you are able to find it. You are not
superhuman, but you are a talented woman. Accepting this
truth will begin to eliminate fears related to your
abilities.
* Step Two: Understanding *
Yes, stress is fear! Understanding this important truth
takes you a step closer towards ending this unhealthy
relationship. Awareness means the deception must end. You
are revealing fear as the hidden master and are choosing to
take back control.
* Step Three: Reveal The Fear Behind The Stress *
When you are feeling stressed, ask yourself, “What am I
really afraid of in this situation?” or “What am I believing
to be true about myself?” Pinpoint what the actual fear is
so you can deal with it head on.
* Step Four: Overcoming The Fear *
Now do what it takes to let go of the fear. This doesn’t
have to be hard. Sometimes fear is rooted in lies and
nothing abolishes lies as quickly as the truth! Hold your
fear up to what is really true about you or your
circumstances.
Are you really just doubting yourself or your ability? Is
the outcome you fear likely to happen? Is it even worth
stressing about? Choose to trust you already have what it
takes to handle the situation. If you are spiritual, put
your hand in God’s and realize you are not alone in this.
* Step Five: Committing To Peace *
The absence of stress is peace. It’s a mindset that says,
“I’m not going to run around under the heavy load of stress
anymore.” Make a conscious commitment to experience this
peace in your life. You don’t need to be feeling stressed in
order to be effective or successful. You know what stress
feels like; now it’s time to fully experience what peace is
like.
Look at the things in your life which actually create stress
for you. When you minimize fear, you begin to see things
from a different perspective. Suddenly, some things don’t
seem so absolutely necessary anymore. Sometimes, a better
way presents itself to you because you are thinking outside
your fears and opening up to possibility.
Learn to recognize the sensations in your body when you are
feeling stress. This is your warning signal. At first, you
may find it is the “absence of stress” that feels so
different. Enjoy how good it feels and purpose to do this
more until stress is no longer your friend.
As you lay each fear to rest, you’ll begin to experience
freedom from stress.
Copyright 2007 Tami M. Szabo
You may use this article for your own ezine or website as
long as you leave it unchanged and include the complete
author information with an active link.